I was 6 weeks pregnant with my baby, lying in my bed, weeping. It wasn’t that soft cry you see in the movies with a single tear rolling down my cheek. No. This was a full-bodied, sobbing, ugly cry. The tension release of the years of abuse I’d endured. My 6 year old son slept soundly next to me as I broke down, crying out to God. This was my rock bottom.
We’d just escaped from our abuser a few weeks prior and as the dust settled, I crumbled. My husband at the time had verbally, spiritually, and physically beaten me down to the point that I didn’t think I was worth anything better than his torment. But the terrified look in my son’s eyes and the thought of bringing a daughter into that world was the jolt I needed to flee from his tyranny.
So there I lay in the spare bedroom of my gracious sister’s basement, asking God why. How could I be here? How would I have the strength to pull it together? Where do we go from here? But most of all, how was I so blind?! Who would want me now? I beat myself up with shame and guilt for the abuse that had not only hurt me, but my son and possibly my unborn baby as well. I was spiritually and emotionally broken.
I don’t know how long I shouted in my head and cried out to God. But when I finally quieted down, I felt His peace wash over me. The precious love He says I deserve that I’d never felt in human form before wrapped its arms around me. The most comforting embrace enveloped me. And I heard the faintest whisper: “Let me be your husband.”
That might sound like a strange statement to some. But I’d vaguely remembered hearing a scripture that referred to God as a husband. The next morning, I opened my Bible and found the scripture. As I read, God began to reveal to me that He offers perfect love. Only He could repair the intense damage that had been done. I saw that although He can’t fulfill the physical aspects of a husband like picking the kids up from school or physical intimacy, He could provide all the things I’d been lacking most. He would be my Provider, Comforter and Healer. He promised to be my ever present help in times of need.
For the following months and years, God has taken me on a journey of love and intimacy with Him. He began to awaken my heart. Is it the same as having a flesh and blood husband? Absolutely not! Do I still feel the pangs of singledom from time to time? Of course! It’s a faith journey. But every once in a while, when I need it the most, I can feel His tender love embrace me and I know I am His beloved. And He is mine.
“For your Creator will be your Husband; the LORD of Heaven’s Armies is His name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth.” -Isaiah 54:5