Hello, Is It Me You’re Looking For?

So we’ve safely established in this series how to embrace your single season and wait for the right person. I can hear some of you saying, “But how do I know if they’re the right person?” I’m glad you asked.

There are a ton of books out there around this particular topic. I’ve read several excellent books with a Christian perspective on what to look for and what should be your deal-breakers. I’m not going to repeat all that stuff. However, there is one thing that is worth discussing at length.

The most important thing to look for in a partner. Something worth its weight in gold. Something more important than looks, attraction, or even personality. Chivalry can’t even touch it. This one thing will determine the success or failure of a potential relationship more than any other factor. Have you guessed it yet?

I’m talking about character. It’s the one thing we don’t talk nearly enough about in terms of dating, but will have the greatest impact on your relationship. Think about it. If a man has integrity, he won’t cheat. If a woman is honest, she won’t lie. If your partner has strong character, they won’t put you in a compromising or harmful situation. Character is what will determine how your partner treats you. Physical attraction waxes and wanes, but how a person treats you will have a lasting effect.

How many of us have fallen for someone charismatic, physically attractive, or with a great personality? I’m willing to bet all of us at some point. But charm and charisma alone, can’t be trusted. If they’re charming you, they could likely be charming someone else. My favorite example of this is a line from the Broadway musical turned big picture, “Into The Woods,” when Cinderella catches Prince Charming cheating…

As for physical attraction, that can change over time as we age. I’ve seen sad stories of people who left their spouse because of physically altering accident. True love, the kind that lasts, isn’t there only because of outward beauty. Proverbs 31:30 addresses this well, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised.” Men aren’t exempt, though. It goes both ways. A partner who fears the Lord (has a real relationship with God and genuine, good character) is of far more value than anything else.

So how do you find someone of good, strong character? “Where have all the good ones gone?!” I hear some of you lamenting. It’s simple really. The only way you will be able to find someone of good character is to BE someone of good character. Because people of good character have already figured out how important it is to find someone who values integrity, honor, and compassion. So naturally, they are looking for someone who exhibits those same values. Like attracts like.

So how do you become a person of good character? What are good character traits? Start by reading the book of Proverbs. It is a book full of wisdom. And that will set you in the right direction.

“May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ—for this will bring much glory and praise to God.” ~Philemon 1:11

You’re Nobody Til Somebody Loves You

I love me some Michael Bublé. He does an amazing cover of the above titled song. Dean Martin sang the original swoony, croony tune. As much as I love the song, it’s just not true. You’re NOT nobody until somebody loves you.

As silly as it seems to state the obvious, this flawed way of thinking is more prevalent than you may at first realize. Love songs definitely push the idea that our value is found in what the object of our affection feels toward us. You’re thinking, even if it’s not totally true, it sounds good or just rhymes well in a song. Okay. Fine. But Disney movies, romantic dramas and comedies, by in large, tell us that our “happily ever after” comes only when we meet Prince Charming. Disney and Nicholas Sparks have effectively ruined a generation’s expectations and values in relationships.

Between movies, music, pop culture, and society, we are told from a very young age (especially as women) that our highest and best purpose is marriage. Therefore, if you’re not married you must be defective. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the following conversation:

Me: “You know ‘So and so’ is single.”

Other Person: “Really? How old is he [or she]?”

Me: (ballpark age)

Other Person: (If the age is over 30ish) “What’s wrong with him [or her]?”

Me: (Laughing) “What’s wrong with me, then?”

Other Person: Immediate, profuse backpedaling

We have been so indoctrinated to think that love or marriage have to happen by a certain age. And if not, there must be something innately wrong with the person. They somehow offer less value as a potential romantic interest. I’m here to tell you that is a big, steaming pile of crap!

You were loved and valued by the Creator from the very moment you were conceived. He has loved you from the beginning and will love you to the end. No matter your mistakes or character defects, God’s love is eternal and truly unconditional. He extends the greatest gift: a personal relationship with Him. That is the only relationship worth finding your value in.

In your single season, seek out what your value is in Christ. (I could tell you, but where’s the fun in that?) Who does He say you are? What is your personal and specific purpose on the planet? What is God’s plan and will for your life? What are the character defects He would like to help you eliminate?

Once you’ve discovered the answers to these questions, I would contend that you bring MORE substance into a future relationship. When you know who you are and where your value is found, you’re less likely to obsess or settle. You also understand how much God loves your partner and can offer grace authentically without being a doormat.

Those who believe they are nobody till somebody loves them tend to be what I call “serial daters.” They hop from one serious relationship straight to the next without any healing time in between. They’re never single long enough to even begin to explore who they are on their own. And why would they? They’re convinced their value on the relationship stock market begins to plummet the minute their Facebook status goes back to “single.” I knew someone once that treated relationships like most people treat a job: She wouldn’t quit one until she had the next opportunity lined up. You may be laughing at that analogy, but it was heartbreaking and frustrating to watch.

One of the most obvious problems for serial daters is that they don’t take the time to process and analyze why the previous relationship didn’t work out. Instead, they drag their hurts and baggage from one relationship into the next, building up a stockpile of relational damage.

I’ve never been a serial dater, but I realized that I was “masking” my hurts by “going out with the girls” in an unhealthy way. In my mid-twenties I would go out a lot. Karaoke, ladies’ nights, or just dinner with the girls. Nothing wild or crazy. I’m just an extrovert and needed to be around friends. Or at least that’s what I told myself. God showed me that I was using “girl time” to avoid being alone. In turn, I was avoiding my own healing process. I would do anything to not be stuck at home, especially when my son was visiting his dad. I couldn’t bear the thought of the total quiet. Because then I’d have to deal with what was going on in my head and heart.

Solitude is not a bad thing. Nowadays I enjoy it. That’s where God can speak to my heart without distraction. That’s where He can gently encourage and love my soul. That quiet “alone” place is where I find peace. It’s where I’m reminded of who I am: a daughter of the Most High King. There is my value. In Him who made me and loves me more than any man ever can.

“How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!” ~Psalm 139:17-18